


The Ex Equation

by StonyAvengerGirl16 (CharmedBritannia)



Series: StarkSpangledWinter [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Fighting, M/M, Nick Fury is pissed off, Possessive Behavior, Protective Bucky, Protective Steve, Tony does not have time for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-05-01 09:23:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5200604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharmedBritannia/pseuds/StonyAvengerGirl16
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His Brooklyn boys were NOT looking forward to the damn gala, and neither were the other Avengers. Between the uncomfortable clothing, uncomfortable conversations, irritating suitors, and inability to bring their weapons, they just weren't their thing at all. But Tony; he was born and raised in these environments, so he was fine with them.</p><p>But when he runs into an old <em>acquaintance</em>, his situation goes from strained to absolutely fucking horrific.</p><p>Fury. Was going. To <em>murder</em> them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ex Equation

**Author's Note:**

> Got a request? Leave it below or message me at a-Brits-daily-journal!
> 
> Enjoy!

\----

Tony stared down at them.

 

They refused to look at him.

 

He crossed his arms.

 

They shifted.

 

With a huff, he raised an eyebrow.

 

They crossed their arms. 

 

Tony pinched the bridge of his nose. Fury was going to _murder_  them all.

\----

Tony's eyebrows shot upwards.

 

"You want me to _what?_ "

"I want you to take the rest of your merry band of misfits with you to the Avengers fundraising gala."

"Do you know how much of an absolute  _clusterfuck_  that is going to turn into?"

"You've been to hundreds of the damn things. Teach them how to schmooze or whatever."

"I've been practicing my _entire damn life_. And you want me to teach them the ins and outs in less than a week? Are you out of your mind?"

 

Nick Fury glared with his good eye.

 

"Natasha already has plenty of practice."

"Yeah, when there's knives and shit involved! What about when someone flirts with her and she can't stick a knife in their throat, or even threaten to?"

 

Fury looked a little less certain.

 

"Or Barton? He hates ties, and suits, and rude people, and being out in the open for an extended period of time, all of which, guess what? A gala calls for! And what if he opens his damn mouth? That could end in _disaster."_

 

Fury went back to pissed.

 

"Look. I don't know how you're going to do it, but you need to train them, because they _will_ be going. Now get the fuck out of my office."

\----

"Natasha, because I know you'll sneak them any way, two knives, max. I'm serious."

 

Natasha grumbled and went to pick them out.

 

"Clint, you fucker, you are wearing the damn bow tie, so stop messing with it."

 

Clint grimaced and released it.

 

"Thor, do not show off your damn hammer. It intimidates people."

 

Thor merely shrugged.

 

"Bruce, I'm sorry, but you need to smoke some weed or something because we can't have big, green, and angry stomping on some of the richest and most influential people in the country, and a few out of it."

 

Bruce gave a small, apologetic smile that Tony hated to have put there.

 

"Bucky, same goes for you as Natasha. I know that on a regular day you have _at least_ two guns, extra ammo, four knives, and the weapons built into your arm. Can't do anything about the arm, but I swear you are to leave here with _one gun._ And don't look so innocent. I have stripped you to have sex and seen them."

 

Bucky gave that charming, smug-ass grin and went to disarm (no pun intended) himself.

 

"And Steve, you are supposed to be the charming slice of apple pie that people trust explicitly and want to coo over and/or have sex with. Wipe the awkward grimace off of your face and put on the Star-Spangled cheesy grin that I personally find hilarious but others find sweet and/or sexy for whatever reason."

 

Steve winced and tried to comply, but it still came out forced and awkward. But Tony knew he was feeling awkward, so he knew it was the best he could do. Damn.

 

This was _such_ a bad idea.

\----

Tony had been on edge the entire night.

 

And because he couldn't get drunk, as he was giving sobriety a shot, he knew he was a little stiff. But it was better to be fully alert for this anyway. 

 

Natasha looked stunning in her black sequin gown with matching black five inch heels. If he didn't know she could kill a man thirteen different ways with one of said heels, he'd be impressed with how easily she maneuvered herself in them, much like Pepper. Clint looked to have been doing fine, but he knew how restricted he felt in his tux. And he hadn't really opened his mouth yet, so there was still a chance he could start a national/international/ inter-fucking-stellar incident. Bruce was keeping to the edge of the party, speaking only when spoken to. A few scientists had come up to ask about his work, but the rest mostly just let him be. Thor was laughing heartily and answering questions about Asgard. Bucky and Steve were a hot commodity, and drew the most attention it seemed. But they were sticking to his side like glue, in an attempt to both ward off his unwanted suitors and discourage their own. 

 

Everything seemed to be balanced to an extent, when he heard a voice that sent shivers down his spine, and not in the (amazing, sexy, fantastic) way Steve and Bucky did. He turned, and put on his best 'I hate you but I have to tolerate you' smile.

 

"Tony Stark! My, my, it's been quite a while."

"Tiberius Stone! Not nearly enough."

 

Tiberius threw back his head and laughed.

 

Tony wanted to punch him in the throat.

 

"Always the fiesty one, weren't you. I must say, two lovers at once. I would say I never knew you had it in you, but I suppose I did."

 

Tony heard the tell-tale whir of the servos in Bucky's arm locking into place. That wasn't good. That meant he was preparing the weapons. He had to get Stone to fuck off before Bucky killed the son of a bitch.

 

"I know that you don't like me, Stone, and I sure as hell don't like you. What do you want?"

 

Stone's facade cracked, and his face tensed.

 

"Well, Tony, after you humiliated me by breaking it off with me on national fucking television, I just wanted to see what you were up to. Playing hero, it seems. Hm. Does it give you all the popularity you need, you little attention whore?"

"Dating me was all for popularity, Stone. Not to mention how you were an abusive son of a bitch that took advantage of how depressed I was after my fucking _parents died-"_

"Look here, you little whore-"

 

Now Tony should have expected this to happen. He should have just walked away. But he didn't and here came the clusterfuck.

 

Bucky obviously didn't appreciate the conversation _at all_. Add that to the fact that he wasn't one to share with some abusive ex. And then add _that_ to the insult at the end. So Tony wasn't truly surprised when an arm came sailing over his head, the fist attached to it connecting square with Stone's nose. Blood immediately squirted from the area, and Stone was knocked flat on his ass. But Bucky wasn't done by a long-shot, stepping right past Tony, grabbing Stone by his tie and punching repeatedly wherever he could reach, and that was a _lot of places_.

 

Steve had pushed Tony aside to grab the other super-soldier (since he couldn't do jack shit, really), when security and Stone's own bodyguards (who even needed that many? He wasn't the damn president) showed up, guns raised. One of said bodyguards grabbed Tony by the back of the head, yanking it back so another could restrain him while the rest attempted to jump on the two super-soldiers, which Steve obviously didn't like _not one bit_. So before Tony knew it, Steve had abandoned the fight to restrain Bucky and thrown his own punch, knocking the one holding his head clean out. The other fell backwards and scuttled away before getting back to his feet and bolting. By then, the other Avengers had noticed the impromptu brawl, and weren't going to let their teammates face off without them.

 

Thor also just loved a good fight.  

 

Natasha was backflipping like an Olympic gymnast, having ripped her gown further up the side and ditching her heels for better maneuverability. She had gotten one in between her thighs, and had twisted him around until he hit the floor in a heap. She took down several more this way, and was currently threatening one with her knives. Clint couldn't sneak his bow in, but from the way he drop kicked one in the fucking face, it was obvious he was doing just fine. Thor was punching several out, laughing heartily as he did so.

 

"Weak fools! You dare challenge the Mighty Thor in battle? I will let none threaten my SHIELD brothers and sister! Have at thee!"

 

Bucky and Steve had gone back to back, with Tony squished in the middle. He tried to get out from between them, but they just narrowed their eyes, and gestured towards the absolute nightmare this night had become. And since he didn't want to summon the armor and make things worse, and wasn't really trained for this level of hand-to-hand (but Bucky and Steve were working on it), Tony had pursed his lips in acknowledgement, and accepted his fate as the icing in the superhero Oreo.

 

Bruce simply walked up to a group, and they all dropped their weapons and fled.

 

Pretty much everyone had already evacuated, screaming and yelling at the impromptu fancy bar fight/all out brawl that had been steadily gaining momentum in about two minutes. It wasn't until every last one of their opponents had either surrendered or was incapacitated, and Bucky had given one last punch to the already unconscious Stone that they stopped. Tony's jaw dropped, and then he glared at everybody, pointing to the tables that were next to them.

\----

So that was how he found himself glaring at all of them; all of them in various states of disarray. Natasha was mostly unruffled, if you ignored the tear up her dress all the way to her upper thigh and bare feet, heels on the table in front of her. She had a poker face that showed no remorse whatsoever. Clint had ditched his tie, vest, and jacket, which Tony knew he had been itching to do all night, and had ripped the sleeves entirely off of his untucked dress shirt, looking smug as a bug in a fucking rug about it. Bruce had shed his jacket, and looked sheepish. Thor's suit was just gone, replaced with his battle armor because he was just like that, and he just looked very satisfied.

 

But Steve and Bucky, oh they were up _so high_ on his shit list for having started this shit.

 

They had both shed their jackets and ties, but at least they still had their vests on and shirts tucked. They had rolled the sleeves up their arms to the elbow, and both looked like they had a few scrapes on their knuckles that were most likely already half-healed. Bucky looked entirely unrepentant, while Steve was blushing pink, but he still also looked unrepentant. He glared at them the hardest, before pointing at the front doors.

 

"I hope you are all satisfied. Instead of _raising_ money, I am most likely going to have to pay a good sum for repairs; also, Bucky, Stone is probably going to sue you for assault and battery. You are _all_ lucky you weren't arrested. It is time to fucking go. And now I have to explain to Fury how this happened while gloating about how I was right about this being a clusterfuck. Limo. _Now."_

 

He angrily strode away, missing the muttered exchange behind him.

 

"We are _most definitely_ sleeping on the couch tonight."

"I'm more concerned about the sex, Stevie. I'm not gonna get laid for a _week_."

"I'm not going to either, if it makes it any better."

"It really, doesn't."

 

They both winced and cursed at the same time. 

 

_"Damn."_

_\---------_

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
